Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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