the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
