my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Watching her eat just hurts me
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
