guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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