it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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