we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
