I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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