I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
