I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
