i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
