shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
