Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
