i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
