she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
