dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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