You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
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Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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