That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
