yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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