I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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