we have pet lesbian snakes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
