so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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