Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
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I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
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I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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