Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
