we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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