Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
