at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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