thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
