Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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