the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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