your parents love me but you hate me
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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