I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
