I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You took a bar mat shot.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
