please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
