Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
