I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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