Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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