I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
