Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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