literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
