also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
