I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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