THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
