Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Mom said you looked used
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
