Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
