i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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