honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
