Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How naked do you want me to be?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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