i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize