Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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