And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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