I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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