so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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