my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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