i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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