There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
