The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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