i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
