How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
