I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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