Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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