the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
