3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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